Are you someone who goes from relationship to relationship without any significant breaks in between?  Do you feel a sense of desperation after breaking up with someone to find another partner? If you answered yes to either one or both of these questions, you may be someone who practices serial monogamy.  And if you do, it can have some serious implications for your mental health and well-being.

Serial Monogamy Is Culturally Encouraged

How many songs from our American past have praised the importance of being in a primary relationship and being ‘loved’ by someone else?  Probably too many to count, and there may not be as many of them as there were a few generations ago, but the fact still remains that people who are coupled can easily become the focus of other people’s envy or jealousy.  People who are single can feel like they are ‘less than’ if they aren’t coupled with one or more others, so this can add to a feeling of need for ‘having someone’ they are romantically involved with. Societal forces can be strong, but more recent generations have helped destigmatize singleness.  That doesn’t feel helpful if you’re feeling lonely or unwanted, which are two other feelings that can drive people to ‘find’ someone else ASAP after a break-up.

(The video below originally aired on Facebook Live and the copy provided came without closed captioning available.)

The Three Reasons Why Serial Monogamy Could Be Bad For You

So here they are, and not in any priority sequence:

1. You don’t get a chance to grieve the last relationship:  One of the stories I like to tell about this is the one of the World War II widow who lost her husband in the war.  She almost immediately found and married a new man who died 50 years later. When her second husband died the woman not only had to deal with the loss of her most recent husband, but she also had to deal with all the feelings she didn’t experience over the loss of her first husband in the war.  This was a true ‘double impact.’

2. You don’t get to appreciate the benefits of singleness and solitude.  Some people don’t know how to be by themselves without feeling very uncomfortable.  If you are one of these people you may unknowingly use others to avoid your own feelings of discomfort. You aren’t to be blamed, but it is important to be able to be alone without becoming a basket case. You can develop friendships and hobbies, as well as get other thing in order.  Maybe therapy would be good to start at this time if you have emotional problems you need to resolve. There’s a whole range of things that can make life worthwhile without constantly being on the make!

3. The Rebound Effect kicks in.  This is almost universally true and is related to reason #1.  When people get into relationships ‘on the rebound’ they really aren’t involved with the new person so much as trying to leave behind the former partner.  This may be why so many people are averse to partners who have ‘baggage.’ The ‘baggage’ is always about prior relationships, and the last one people had is the one the likely have the most baggage about.  

Three Reasons Why I Could Be Helpful

I have worked with many clients who have struggled with their own feelings of inadequacy due to not being in a primary relationship.  I was once single myself...for much of my adulthood...and know first-hand the insecurities and stigma one can feel due to feeling the need to have someone to be involved with.  I can help you find ways to have connection with others and yourself without experiencing the desperation of wondering where the next partner will be found. They aren’t under a rock, but if you start noticing what is already in plain sight you have a much better shot at eventually finding someone who is right for you.  That’s better than Mr. or Ms. ‘Right Now,’ that’s for sure!

How To Get In Touch With Me

I’d be happy to give you a free 15-minute phone consult to find out if I can be of help to you on this issue.  You can call me at 512-648-3053, or just leave your contact information on the form below.  Whatever you do I completely support your efforts to break this cycle that can only put off the eventual, and the old saying is that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents of all ages in private practice. He is a regular contributor for the Practice of the Practice website.

Visit our page on sex addiction therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with sex addiction.