Do you and your partner not see eye to eye with the issue of porn use?  Does your spouse give you a hard time about looking at porn, or even threaten to kick you out of the house because of looking at it?  Maybe you’re a spouse who’s about to file for divorce over this issue. In either case, you can benefit from reading more.

If I Had a Dime for Every Time I’ve Heard This

It seems like a classic point of conflict with the clients I see that one spouse looks at porn and the other one objects to it.  Maybe both of them object to it, but one just can’t seem to stop looking at it. Points of conflict with couples can be abundant, but few of them create such potential conflict as the issue of porn use.  Most often it is the husband or man who is looking at porn and the wife objects to it, but there’s no reason it can’t be the other way around.

(The video below originally aired on Facebook Live and closed captioning wasn’t available on the copy posted here.)

The Solution Lies in Focusing on Shared Values

Even if you’ve sworn off porn a hundred times and can’t stop, you still have a value of wanting to avoid porn use.  If you’ve threatened to kick your spouse out of the house a hundred times for using it, you clearly have a value centered around not looking at porn.  The problem lies in your spouse’s inability to stop using porn. As long as you both have this shared value, the only thing that needs to happen is for your spouse to get the help he or she needs in stopping the porn use.  

A Possible Moratorium of Ultimatums

As bad at this may sound, having an ultimatum for your spouse is a set up for separation or divorce.  I have no problem with porn use being off limits, but to tell your spouse “One more time and you’re out” only fuels the fire of potential addiction issues.  If having an ultimatum was the answer to the problem, porn use would not be a problem at all for most couples as long as one partner was all for putting their foot down.  But that’s not the way it works. Spouses need to be supportive of each other’s efforts to improve themselves, and not just draw lines in the sand where the other can’t go.  I’m not endorsing enabling here, but at the same time suggesting having a moratorium on ultimatums. Maybe a ways down the line that would be appropriate, but not right after one or both partners identify the problem.  

Support is the Key

When a couple recognizes one of them has a problem with porn use, it is important to get help.  Either finding a support group for the partner with the problem, or a group for the spouse who suffers, or finding therapy help for one or both partners can be most helpful.  Couples therapy is also helpful, either initially or later on. The main thing to realize isn’t that your partner is a ‘bad person’ because of porn use, but they are having a problem controlling their behavior.  This assumes that porn use violates their personal sexual values. If it doesn’t, then couples counseling with a therapist trained in sexual health principles is crucial in being able to resolve what might be a conflict is essential.  

My Background in Helping Compulsive Porn Use

I have worked professionally in helping men overcome compulsive porn use for the last 10 years and can assure you it is very treatable.  While lifetime abstinence may not be a realistic goal for most who have dealt with it, decreasing use is very possible for most men. I would be happy to talk to you or your spouse about how I might help in decreasing and/or eliminating porn use.  The topic is dealt with specifically in my upcoming monthly newsletter, but contacting me at 512-648-3053, or filling out the form below is all you need to do to get in touch with me.  I typically offer a free 45-minute in-person consult for private pay clients and would be happy to extend this courtesy to you as well.  It could be the difference between your marriage surviving, and a fatal ultimatum.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice, and is the author of the new e-book Life’s Lessons from the Young and the Old.

Visit our page on sex addiction therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you with compulsive porn use.