Do you have a problem with porn use or other sexual behaviors and wonder what caused them?  The answer may lie as far back as the crib, because depending on whether you have attachment issues or not, you may be at a greater risk of sexual compulsion than not.

Attachment Problems and Sexual Compulsion are Big Problems These Days

Now that Covid-19 has hit and we have had an economic collapse, people’s addictive urges are screaming for attention.  If you’ve had to shelter in place because of the pandemic and you’re not with a partner who is interested or willing to help you with getting your sexual needs met, turning to compulsive porn use or other sexually compulsive behavior may be the easiest way to solve your problem...for now.  Many people have had issues with the way they were raised as well so that they have problems with attachment to others.  If you had parents or other caregivers who were distant, ‘helicopter parents,’ or those who were downright abusive, you are predisposed to addiction in general.

Attachment Problems Start in the Crib

As I mentioned above, if you were raised by parents that didn’t seem to give a hoot about what you did or you in general, you may have developed an attachment style that was anxious.  You may find partners who you constantly want attention from, and when the attention is not there, feel desperate to get attention from others.  This can set people up to develop sex and love addiction.  Likewise, if you had helicopter parents, you may feel anxious or insecure if someone isn’t around to give you love and support.  You may also feel a great degree of self-doubt or have a lot of ‘shoulds’ in your thinking processes.  This can also lead to being drawn to sexually compulsive behavior despite knowing you ‘shouldn’t’ be doing that.  People who had punitive or abusive parents are equally likely to develop an avoidant attachment pattern.  This is because if you had an abusive parent, you don’t want to get too close to anyone for fear of being abused like you were as a child.  Either that or you are drawn to abusive partners out of an unconscious pull to repeat the original offense.  This last situation is the most serious because it predisposes people to severe abuse and exploitation.   

How To Work With Your Attachment Style to Avoid Sexual Compulsion

The first thing to do is to determine your attachment style.  There are many inventories for this online.  Then, depending on what your attachment style is, try to develop an understanding about how this happened and what messages you got from your caregivers that promoted this style.  For some, the message they got was “Help ain’t gonna come” to their needs as young children.  If this was a message you got from your caregivers, then you are definitely predisposed to addictive behavior, including sex and love addiction.  It is then important to craft messages to give yourself that go against these early messages.  One of these could be ‘I can trust other people to help me,’ or ‘I have support.’  Whatever the positive message you develop for yourself, you need to really work with it strongly and deeply so that it helps you take action that goes against the negative message you grew up with.  For many people, working with a therapist is a great way to help you work against these messages, especially if there was childhood trauma in the picture.  For others, it could be joining a support group for sexual compulsion or other forms of addiction to give you the support you need to break free from it. The main thing is to put the positive messages into action to help build up positive experiences that can go against the old negative messages that keep the old attachment style alive.

How I Can Help with Positive Attachment and Sexual Compulsion

I’ve been working with people for over 10 years now to help improve their attachment patterns, as well as with sexual compulsion to overcome the effects of childhood.  I can attest to the success you can have in breaking free of unhealthy attachment patterns.  I encourage you to reach out to me by calling the number at the top of my page or filling out a form below.  I do free 45-minute in-person screenings for men suffering from sexual compulsion to give them a better idea about whether working with me would be helpful, as well as shorter assessments for those with other issues to help them get a better idea about whether I can help them with their issues.  At this time, perhaps more than any other, we each need a lot of support to get through.  If you’re having problems with sexual compulsion you don’t have to let it get any worse before you seek the help you need.  

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His e-book is entitled Life’s Lessons from the Young and the Old and is available for purchase on Amazon. 

Visit our page on sex addiction therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with sexual compulsion.