Do you notice other people becoming frustrated at you often?  Do you find yourself tending to drag your feet when it comes to doing what your spouse or other family members ask you to do?  Do you tend to procrastinate as well, and sometimes feel like you’re being cheated or underappreciated?  If so, you’re probably suffering from passive aggressive behavior.

How Common is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

It happens a lot of people, and it can be a sign of depression as well.  Our society is not one that condones open displays of anger for the most part, and especially if your family of origin was one in which expressing anger was forbidden, you may resort to passive aggressive behavior as a way of indirectly expressing your anger.  Also, it is often said that depression is anger turned inwards, and unless you can be passive aggressive all the time to express your anger, some of that could contribute to clinical depression.  The main thing is that you need to be able to identify and cope with anger, but you aren’t able to do that for some reason.  

What to Do About Passive Aggressive Behavior

1. The first thing to do is ask yourself what you're feeling.  If you notice yourself wanting to tell your spouse or someone else off in relation to them making a request of you, that’s an important time to ask yourself ‘What am I feeling?’ 

2. If the answer is anger, then the key is either being able to discharge the anger in healthy ways or deal with it assertively.  If you can’t be assertive in the situation you’re in because of living in crazy conditions where those around you aren’t rational people, you may have to cope with the anger on your own.  

3. If you have a trusted friend or family member to talk to in order to vent about the anger, then start there.  

4. Deep breathing is another good way to cope with anger to help calm yourself down.  Many people practice something called box breathing, and this can be one good way to do deep breathing that is simple and effective. 

5. Journaling can be another good way to cope with anger.  The idea with this is to write and write and write about what it is you’re angry about until you get to a place where the tone of your writing is neutral or positive.  Then you know you’re through processing your anger.

6. Assertiveness:  if someone is doing something that is making you angry, then you need to have a way of expressing this to them.  If you feel disrespected or devalued, then the anger is coming from this and being specific about what someone said or did that led to you feeling this way is important to get across to them.  It needs to be said in a calm and even tone, and also includes a specific request from them about what you want them to do instead.  Sometimes practicing in a mirror may be necessary to help you stick to what you want to say beforehand, so long as you can get your point across to those you are upset.  After that, it’s up to them to either comply or let you know they can’t or aren’t willing to cooperate with you.

7. Seek professional help if your passive-aggressive behavior could be a symptom of depression or some other serious mental illness.

What I Can Do for Passive-Aggressive Behavior

I have worked with many people who suffer from passive-aggressive behavior in my 10 years of clinical work, and I can assure you that resolving this problem hinges on being willing to identify the source of the anger.  It is almost always some emotional pain or fear that is eating at you and causing your behavior.  Once this is identified there are several ways to get at the source of the issue to get rid of it.  I also can screen you for possible depression, in case it is related to this common malady as well.  Regardless of the particulars of your situation, I can serve as a helpful guide to helping you manage your emotions and improve your relationships so you and those you care about don’t have to suffer because of your passive-aggressive behavior.  You owe it to yourself, your well-being, and the well-being of those around you to take care of your feelings and not let them become a toxic force in your relationships.  So call me at the number at the top of the page or fill out a form below to get a free 20-minute free consultation and a better idea if I can help you with your situation.  

Visit our specialty page on depression therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with depression.   

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His new e-book is entitled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon.