We all hear the cry for the need for ‘greater transparency’ with respect to our elected leaders, government officials, and corporate executives.  Do we feel like we deserve the same from our partners and spouses? Sometimes it can be necessary to have transparency in our relationships, especially if trust has been broken.  It’s a two-edged sword that should be used very carefully, though.  

Transparency When Lies Have Filled the Air

Many of the clients I work with have lied to their partners and spouses as part of their infidelity issues involving cheating on them.  They typically come to see me after the you-know-what has hit the fan and they’re being told by their spouses or partners they need to submit to lie-detector tests and tell the spouses about every incidence of porn use or other sexual acting out they engage in.  It’s that bad for many couples that the trust has eroded to nil.  Bank and credit card statements need to be checked for any suspicious charges and the one spouse has somehow become like a parent to the other.  This is a very common scenario I see played out time and again with many of my clients who suffer from compulsive sexual behavior.

Transparency Versus Honesty

Despite the cries for transparency in such situations, this isn’t always the best thing for couples as they try to move on from infidelity or breach of trust.  The spouse or partner has a right to know what is going on, and many want to know everything about what their spouse is doing. That is the reason most of what the offending spouse did winds up being disclosed to the spouse or partner.  This is part of a process in which trust is rebuilt so the couple can move on and have a functional relationship again.  Transparency isn’t absolutely necessary in such situations, but honesty is.  You may ask, what’s the difference here?  The difference is transparency involves telling the partner everything that is going on without any filtering as to what is important to know and what isn’t.  Honesty, on the other hand is more about disclosing significant information information to one’s partner or spouse that they do want and need to know.  Many times the offending partner may have trouble distinguishing between the two because the trust is so badly eroded between the couple.  They might think “I’ll just tell them everything,” which seems to satisfy the partner...or does it?

When Transparency is TMI

When you disclose every last detail to your spouse, you may think you’ll get a pat on the back or maybe even a gold star on a chart.  The reality often is that your partner might be mining for pain and when you give them unfiltered transparent information you may be unwittingly retraumatizing them.  I’m not saying they don’t have a right to know, but I am saying they may not know what is in their best interest and in the best interest of the relationship.

Full Transparency Usually Requires a Trained Professional

Sharing unfiltered information with a spouse or partner when there has been a breach of trust or infidelity can often hurt.  Even though your spouse may say “I want to know everything,” that often isn’t in the best interest of them or the relationship.  A trained couples therapist is the best person to help to facilitate this because they can help to limit the information shared to that which is truly important, otherwise what winds up happening is what my colleague Michael Johnson, PhD calls ‘Mining for pain.’  The spouse or partner unconsciously goes searching for offenses that trigger old wounds that usually go back even before the relationship started, and that is a prescription for disaster unless the couple is in therapy together.  

How I Can Help with Transparency Situations

As a therapist trained to help men with compulsive or addictive sexual behavior, I can help you to understand more about what you are dealing with in your relationship situation.  In doing so, I can help you understand what needs to be shared and what doesn’t, as well as when couples therapy is needed to help navigate the treacherous waters of disclosure to your spouse or partner.  I’ve seen seriously damaged relationships get back on track with a combination of help from me and a qualified couples therapist, but most often both are needed to help both partners and the relationship to recover.  If you want to find out more about whether I can help you in your deliberations about whether or how much transparency you need to have in your relationship, please call the number at the top of this page or fill out the form below.  I offer free 45-minute screening appointments to help you make that determination.  You owe it to yourself and your relationship(s) to take this important step.  Don’t wait another day!

Visit our specialty page on sex addiction therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with sex addiction.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His new book is entitled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.