Have you ever wanted to change something about yourself or your life, but been gripped by overwhelming fear or apprehension?  Have you ever made some decision to give up a bad habit or addiction, but then wound up relapsing within a relatively short period of time?  If you answered yes to either of these questions, you have experienced ambivalence.  As bad as it may feel, it can be a blessing in disguise.

What Exactly is Ambivalence?

Ambivalence shares its origin in the English language with the word equivalent, and means there are two simultaneous, but opposing forces at work within a person.  This can be most easily captured by the image of a person with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.  The angel tells the person about the ‘good’ thing they should do and the devil tells the person to do the ‘bad’ thing they may very well want to do.  It can tend to keep people immobilized and unable to make a decision, but it actually serves a good purpose in many or most cases.  I’ll get to that later on, though.

Who Suffers from Ambivalence?

Ambivalence is experienced by the vast majority of thinking and feeling adults, and is often experienced by people who suffer from addiction issues, as well as depression.  It can often accompany the deliberations over taking drastic action, like whether to attempt suicide or not, as well as self-harming behaviors.  In the latter case, it can be a life-saving thing because the person experiencing it may or may not know whether to reach out for help, but while they're caught up in it others may come to help who might not have if the ambivalent person wasn’t deliberating internally.  

The Good and the Bad of Ambivalence

As I mentioned above, ambivalence can be life-saving if someone needs help and they are momentarily frozen in inaction while help arrives or forms around them.  It can accompany necessary change in people’s lives, because if people weren’t deliberating about some problem they’re having and trying to figure out what to do about it nothing would ever get better.  The problem comes when people stay in that frozen state of indecision and never make positive changes.  Problems can also happen due to people living in a state of cognitive dissonance, which is basically the same as ambivalence, but happens more in people’s thinking.  Inconsistent behavior can often appear to others as being wishy-washy, but it may be more about someone dealing with this problem.  

What To Do About Ambivalence 

One of the things that can help people in overcoming ambivalence is to make a ‘pros and cons’ list to help them weigh the options when confronted with an important change or decision that needs to be made.  Once everything is on paper, one can have a better basis for moving forward with a particular course of action.  Another important thing is to realize you do have conflicting thoughts and feelings about a particular issue or situation.  Not shutting yourself off to paying attention to these is also important as well.  One important question to ask yourself in making a decision is ‘Which course of action is going to bring me more peace?’ Once you’ve answered that question, then the decision can become much more clear.  You’re clearly not at peace deliberating about what to do, but if your decision can bring you peace (as long as it’s not self-destructive) then the way forward can be much clearer. Talking to a supportive friend or family member can also be immensely helpful in overcoming ambivalence as well.

What I Can Do To Help Resolve Ambivalence

I have worked with a great many clients who suffer from terrible ambivalence, many of them with active addiction issues or depression.  I have numerous methods designed to help people resolve their ambivalence about a great many things.  If you’re unsure about whether I could help you with your personal dilemmas that keep you from making positive changes in your life, I urge you to call the number at the top of the page or fill out the inquiry form below.  I can schedule a free phone consult or in-person screening for men who have problems with compulsive or addictive sexual behavior.  You have much to gain from getting help, and anything your fear you have to lose is just the malaise you’ve suffered from for so long trying to keep you pinned down.  Take positive action today!

Go to my specialty page on sex addiction therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with compulsive sexual behavior.  

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His new book is entitled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.