There may be nothing more beguiling than feeling like your partner is cheating on you, but not knowing for sure what is going on.  They may or may not be gaslighting you or pulling the wool over your eyes, but regardless of this they are probably a mystery to themselves as well.  It can be helpful to understand more about them and what you are and are not capable of doing for them.

Sex Addiction and Compulsion is a Widespread Problem

Many men (and women for that matter) suffer from sex addiction and compulsion issues, and if they experience this as something that is out of control for them we could say they suffer from sex addiction or out of control sexual behavior.  This is most often something that goes with other forms of mental illness, such as substance use disorder, trauma, depression, ADHD, or other serious or chronic mental disorders.  It often goes with problems developing deep and enduring intimate relationships with others, but your partner may spend a lot of time and energy trying to hide this fact.

Signs Your Partner May Suffer from Sex Addiction and Compulsion

1. They have a lot of complexity in their lives.  Like all the clutter that accumulates after years living in a home before people move, people who have sex addiction or compulsion issues pile up all kinds of complicated rationalizations, excuses, and alibis for their behavior.  They not only lie to their partners, but they lie to themselves about the reasons for acting out.

2. There are things that are hidden beneath all the complexity that need to be looked at and identified, such as a history of trauma or need for constant stimulation that may have arisen because of untreated ADHD.  Often effective individual or couples therapy can unearth these keys to the behavior that need to be treated.  Willpower alone can’t overcome these and love for you and your children isn’t enough to stop the problem behavior from coming back.

3. There is a narrowness and constriction of behavior involved in the acting out process.  Even though there may seem to be a multitude of types of cheating going on, your partner is really limited in how they get their needs met.  They may go more for porn and masturbation, or may engage in anonymous sex or may hook up with prostitutes.  It really doesn’t matter what it seems like, they have narrowed their world down to a very limited number of ways to get their needs met.  The recovery process, either through 12-step groups, treatment programs, or individual/group therapy, is meant to help expand your partner's range of behaviors and activities that they can engage in to promote health instead of disease.  Eventually they can learn to live more like people who have ‘normal’ lives, and be more focused on life-giving behaviors than those that undermine relationships and trust.  

What You Can Do If You Believe Your Partner Has Sex Addiction Issues

The first thing to understand if your partner has sex addiction issues is that you can’t fix them.  You can try to get them help, but you can’t fix them by anything you personally do.  Threatening them with ultimatums may scare them into towing the line for a while, but it does nothing to resolve the underlying problem.  What you need to do is to take care of yourself by getting support yourself, whether it be from trusted family members or friends, or from one of the support groups that are specifically for partners of people with sex addiction.  Now that we have been dealing with Covid for the last 1 ½ years, there are many groups that meet on Zoom or other platforms you can attend if you can’t attend an in-person meeting.  

What I Can Do To Help Your Partner with Sex Addiction or Compulsion

As I mentioned above, you can seek out help for your spouse or partner, but you can’t make them accept it or fix them (as tempting as this might be).  I’ve been helping men in recovering from sex addiction and compulsion issues for the entirety of my 12 year social work career, and you are welcome to fill out the form below or call me if you want to help get your spouse or partner in to see me.  I can set up a free screening to see if I can help them, and then you are encouraged to take measures to help yourself (as I mentioned above) in the recovery process.  Your spouse or partner is lucky you are caring enough to read this blog and will owe you a debt of gratitude if your efforts result in them being able to recover from this addiction issue.  My hope is that you will be able to look back years later and appreciate what you did to help yourself and your partner to recover from something so potentially devastating as sex addiction and compulsion.  

Visit our page on compulsive sexual behavior in men to find out more about how I can help your spouse or partner to recover.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.