Do you get things for your partner and wonder why they don’t respond more positively to your gifts?  Do you find yourself not responding as positively as you or your partner would like to the favors they do for you or the gifts they get you?  It may have a lot to do with not being aware of your partner’s love language, or vice versa, and finding out about it could make a big difference in your relationship.

Ignorance of Love Languages is Part of Why So Many Couples Struggle 

If you are someone who really thrives on your partner doing things for you and your partner is all about buying expensive gifts for you, there is a big potential for the relationship to flounder or maybe end entirely.  I’ve seen this kind of thing happen over and over, where one partner may lavish expensive gifts on the other partner as a way to show their love, but the other partner doesn’t respond the way the other partner would hope.  It isn’t that the gift-buying partner isn’t showing enough love for the other.  It’s just that the other partner has a different love language they respond to.

What Are Love Languages and How They Work?

Love languages were popularized about 20-30 years ago by Gary Chapman, who found that people tend to respond more positively to certain expressions of ‘love’ more than others.  These were broken down into 5 categories:  words of affirmation or compliments, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  He found there may be more than one of these people respond to, but there is usually one that is most predominant.  In the time since the book came out, there has even been an online quiz devised that can help couples find out what each other’s is in a very short amount of time. 

What Does Knowing Your Partner’s Love Language Do for Your Relationship

While knowing what registers most with your partner isn’t a cure-all for any relationship, it does give you important information to help in connecting with your partner.  You can then choose to act in ways that emphasize these and help your partner feel more loved depending on what their particular preferences are.  It can help them feel more loved, and thereby keep them more invested in the relationship.  One of the keys to lasting love is maintaining positive experiences in your relationship.  These need to outnumber the negative ones by a wide margin, and when you are needing to increase the positive quotient you can find something that will register with them knowing this.  

Love Languages Help With Connection

What so many partners are crying out for in their relationships is more connection, or a feeling of any connection at all.  There is perhaps no better way to help your partner feel connected to you and loved by you than you doing something that caters to their particular love language(s).  It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, and in fact could be something as simple as a cup of coffee brought to your partner on a weekend morning in bed.  Whatever it is, the idea is to be sure it is something you know will resonate with him or her.   

What If You Struggle With Love Languages in Your Relationship?

While I’m not an expert on love languages, I do have much practical experience in helping my clients to find ways to connect with their partners.  I have used this concept in my own relationship as well and would be happy to bring my experience and clinical expertise to bear on your relationship situation.  It can be such a simple thing, but such a hard thing in some cases, to find ways to connect with one's partner.  I offer free 20-minute phone consultations in order to give you a better idea about whether I can help you in your relationship situation or not.  Feel free to call the number at the top of the screen or fill out an inquiry form below.  Whatever you do, seeking help for your relationship is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your whole life.  Don’t wait to reach out another day, because you have already gone to the trouble to read this blog.  You might as well take the next best step!

Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you with love languages.   

Take the love languages quiz for free at: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.