Do you feel like you are always trying to figure out what set off your partner in some interaction you had with them and that you are always walking on eggshells with them?  Do you yourself feel depressed because of the endless cycle of emotional volatility you keep getting caught up in with them?  Please read on to find out what you need to do and avoid doing to cope if you answered yes to both of these questions.

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Is a Difficult Illness to Endure…and to Live With

While BPD isn’t a terribly common mental illness, it can be devastating to those who suffer from it and those who live with it.  Usually only 1 to 2 % of the adult population suffers from this disorder, but each of these individuals has friends and family members who are affected by it.  That widens the scope of those who suffer, much like those who are friends and family members of people who suffer from addictions.  In this case, it can be considered a family disease because those who are emotionally close to these individuals suffer mightily in trying to have relationships with them.  

What BPD Is and What It Isn’t  

BPD is sometimes described as an instability in one’s moods, behavior, and relationships, which tends to endure over time unless mental health interventions are used to mitigate these.  In my clinical experience it usually is a result of early trauma that has to do with primary caregivers, such as mother and father.  It isn’t just excessive emotionality, or tending to be moody, or easily angered.  It often appears as if a switch flipped in the person who suffers from it from one minute to the next so they appear to be almost 2 different people at times.  It isn’t just impulsivity or addiction, although people who suffer from it can often be impulsive and have addiction issues, too.

Do’s and Don’ts for Partners of Those with BPD

• Do reach out for help from mental health providers and support groups for family and friends of those that suffer from BPD

• Do practice self-care as much and as often as you can

• Don’t  expect them to respect your boundaries even

• Do hold your partner to account if they violate your boundaries

• Do encourage your partner to get help for BPD

• Don’t try match your partner’s emotional volatility with your own

• Do speak calmly and matter of factly as much as possible when confronting your partner

• Don’t take their BPD personally

• Don’t sacrifice your own self-respect in order to maintain connection or relationship with with your partner

• Don’t take their threats to abandon the relationship personally

• Do get help if your partner indicates they intend to commit suicide or engage in self-harm

This list isn’t meant to be exhaustive, but is meant to focus on the importance of safety and mental health for everyone involved.  

What To Do If You Still Struggle in Your Relationship with Your Partner’s BPD

This is true more often than not, even for those whose partners are recovering from BPD.  You don’t have to suffer alone and you don’t have to abdicate your own choice to either stay or go in your relationship.  I am not an expert on BPD, but I have enough experience with it in my clinical practice to know how difficult it is for both the one who has it and those who are in relationship with them.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.  After that you may be able to help the relationship, but that is something your partner needs to be willing to cooperate with.  If you would like to find out whether I can help you and your relationship you are welcome to contact me for a free 20 minute consultation.  Just call the number at the top of the page or fill out the form below and I will get back to you to schedule a time to talk.  The main thing is that you don’t need to suffer alone and you have every right to fight for the kind of relationship you want and deserve:  one that is mutually beneficial and fulfilling for both parties, starting with you!

 Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you if there is BPD in your relationship.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.