Have you ever heard someone say the reason they broke up with their relationship partner was because they ‘weren’t compatible?’  Have you ever wondered about this issue being at the heart of your relationship woes?  If you have, then I urge you to read on because it will hopefully answer some of your questions.

Why Compatibility is Important in Relationships

One of the important components of many friendships is the concept of compatibility.  You and a friend tend to like some of the same things and this gives you some common interests and/or activities to engage in.  Once those are established the friendship can grow based on each of your abilities to build trust and intimacy over time.  You share experiences, challenges, thoughts and feelings, and these help build a common experience of your friendship.  Sometimes you hear romantic partners talk about their spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc., saying they are their best friend as well.  But how much does compatibility factor into that?

Why Compatibility is Overrated

While compatibility can be important to friendships, it doesn’t apply near as much to romantic relationships.  The reason for this is that a romantic relationship not only thrives on common interests, it also thrives on differences.  Your partner is a unique individual, just like you are.  I like to tell my clients about the bumper sticker that says ‘Of course you’re unique:  Just like everybody else!’  Both of you are constantly changing and evolving, so compatibility can wax and wane in a relationship.  However, if you each are accepting and honoring of your differences, then you are each growing in your relationship.

Compatibility Ignores Passion as a Key Relationship Factor

Another reason compatibility is overrated in relationships is that coupleship thrives on passion.  One of the things that fuels passion is some degree of mystery in one's partner, or a sense they are different in ways we are attracted to.  If my partner and I have all the same likes and dislikes, then I might as well be dating myself.  There isn’t as much fun in that, and the potential for individual and mutual growth isn’t there.  I’m not expanding my universe by being in relationship with this person, as they may as well be just another version of me.  That may have some appeal, but at some point you each begin to change somehow since you are each changing and evolving beings.  At that point do you just say “Let’s call it quits, you’re too different now”?

The Compatibility Excuse for Break-Ups

If everything is based on compatibility, then there’s a lot of pressure to simply ‘go along to get along’ and never change and grow.  If a couple has been together a long time and then one complains you aren’t alike enough anymore, that can stifle your own autonomy or freedom to change and grow.  That shouldn’t be a reason to break-up, unless you’ve changed in ways that serve to undermine the relationship.  One clear example of this is if one partner develops an addiction and refuses to get help for it.   In many other cases, it is up to each partner to honor each other’s life path and hopefully support each other if there is a clear commitment to grow together.

When Compatibility Interferes with Relationships

We each need to be able to do certain activities with our partners for mutual fun and enjoyment:  what is typically called a ‘fun agenda.’  If you both can’t agree on anything you like to do for fun anymore (if you ever did), that can seriously threaten your relationship.  The old saying ‘The family that plays together, stays together’ is very true in this case.  The opposite is true as well.  So even if compatibility isn’t the sole consideration in a relationship, it certainly plays a factor in hindering relationships if there are no common likes or interests.

What To Do If You’re on the Verge of a Compatibility Crisis?

If you’ve tried talking about the problem and either one or both of you are thinking about calling it quits, talking to a trained professional like me can be important.  If there’s a lot on the line and you would like to talk to someone, you are free to call the number at the top of the page or fill out the form below.  I’ve been helping people to deal with huge relationship issues my entire social work career, and am no stranger to the compatibility issue.  I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation so you can find out if I can help you with your couples issues.  You and your relationship are worth it, and reaching out for help is one way to turn things around for the better.  

Visit our page on Couples Therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you with compatibility problems.  

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.