Do you feel like you put a lot of time and effort into giving to your partner, but you get little to nothing in return?  Do you feel like your partner doesn’t take enough interest in you in consideration of how much you put forth? Do you feel like you can predict how your partner will act or react to certain situations, and they invariably do these things?  If you answered yes to most or all of these questions, you may be suffering from relationship burnout.

Relationship Burnout is Big Problem These Days

Perhaps at no other time in national and world history have relationships been under more stress than they are now.  After almost 3 years of the Covid pandemic and all of the accompanying upheaval, people’s worlds have tended to shrink so that there is so much more importance put on one primary relationship.  One of the results of them creaking under all this weight is that couples may be experiencing burnout with each other.  

Relationship Burnout Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Each Other

Just because you don’t feel love for your partner doesn’t mean you don’t love them.  This is a common fallacy that some people buy into.  The truth is that feelings of love come and go in a relationship, but it is the commitment to each other that helps sustain it.  If you’re experiencing relationship burnout you won’t feel that love for much or most of the time you’re in it.  The truth of the matter is that we need friendships outside of our primary relationship no matter how good a friend you and your partner are.  

So Here are Some of the Signs of Relationship Burnout

1. Giving to your partner and getting little or no appreciation back.

2. Not having fun with your partner.

3. Things feel very boring or ho-hum for extended periods of time when you are together.

4. There are underlying feelings of dissatisfaction going on for one or both of you for extended periods of time.

5. There’s a lack of emotional intimacy.

6. There’s a lack of passion or mystery in your relationship.

The Big Picture with Relationship Burnout

According to relationship expert John Gottman, there is a ‘golden ratio’ of positive and negative experiences in relationships that thrive and move forward.  The ratio is 5 positive experiences (or more) for every negative experience, and unless a couple is at or above this ratio then couples will tend to disinvest and check out of relationships in one way or another.  Again, the last 3 years have put unprecedented pressure on couples such that a lot of people are dealing with relationship burnout who weren’t before. 

What To Do to Decrease Relationship Burnout

Make an effort to express appreciation to your partner for the positive things they do for your or for the relationship.  If they don’t thrive on appreciation, then find another way to show love for them on a regular basis.  Look into the 5 Love Languages to get an idea about what makes your partner feel loved.  Find things that you both enjoy doing together and make an effort to do them on a regular basis.  Have regular date nights and get out of the home as often as you can to do fun things together instead of sitting in front of the TV every night.    Especially if you can do something romantic together, like having special weekend getaways at some regular intervals, you can breathe life back into stagnant relationships.  Developing and fostering friendships outside the relationship is also important to not overburden your primary relationship, as we bring positive experiences from these relationships into our primary one.

What To Do If You Continue to Struggle with Relationship Burnout

Sometimes couples need help to deal with their struggles, and seeking out a gifted therapist can be essential to get a relationship out of burnout and get it to thrive again.  I’ve been helping my clients in their relationships for my entire career as a social worker and can attest to the benefits from getting therapy help as a couple in my own life experience as well.  I have a good familiarity with the Gottman Therapy model and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and can bring my clinical skills to bear on your relationship burnout situation to help you and your partner get back on good footing again.  Feel free to give me a call or fill out the inquiry form below if you live in Maryland or Texas, and I can get back to you for a free 20 minute phone consultation to give you a better idea about whether I can help you or not.  Whatever you’ve invested in your relationship it must be worth preserving if you’ve taken the time to read this blog, and taking care of your relationship is a way of taking care of yourself as well.  

Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you and your partner overcome relationship burnout.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.