Do you ever find yourself talking to yourself harshly or berating yourself? Do you wish that you could stop this and be able to treat yourself with more kindness? If you do, then, this week's blog is just for you, so read on. 

How Self-Loathing Gets Started

One common problem that can occur when we have grown up with a legacy of family and cultural trauma, can be this tendency to regard ourselves or talk to ourselves harshly. We internalize voices that have been critical of us in the past. This voice almost operates as a separate personality inside us, and somehow starts as a way to control ourselves. It usually winds up going haywire though, and can really serve to mess up our lives past a certain point. It’s not your fault, but you do have a responsibility to do something about it constructively.

How Self-Loathing Undermines Relationships

If you have a tendency to talk harshly to yourself, this can come out in your primary relationship(s) when a spouse or family member is critical or contemptuous of you. There is a tendency to start talking harshly to yourself in those situations, which can tend to undercut your partner or family member’s criticism or contempt of you in such a way that effectively makes it “all about you.“ You may think that’s already the case, but when a relationship partner is critical or contemptuous of you, that’s more about them than anything else. Not that it takes responsibility off of you to somehow respond to their anger with compassion and curiosity to resolve the issue, but it tends to totally distract from the real focus, which again is on the partner and how they’re feeling.

Self-Loathing and Grandiosity

If you get into a cycle of self-loathing in your relationships, what you wind up doing is making more of the anger you feel towards yourself than the anger your partner or family member has towards you. The basic message is that “you can’t hate me more than I hate myself,” so just don’t bother. That approach undercuts relationships, because it doesn’t even factor in other people’s anger or contempt of you. And again, making it all about you can come off as being one up or grandiose because you and your anger at yourself winds up taking center stage. That’s probably the last thing that you intend, but any extreme expression of hostility, anger, or contempt can come off that way in your relationships.

How to Start Breaking the Cycle of Self-Loathing

One of the main things you can do is to start treating yourself with gentleness and compassion, instead of the self-loathing that you’ve gotten used to. When a family member or partner is expressing anger towards you, you need to stop the automatic reaction of becoming angry at yourself. That angry part, as we might call it in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) line of thinking, is an immature child part that needs to take second place to your “wise adult“ mode and interacting with partners and family members. Being able to take a ‘time out’ for yourself so you can do some coping, including deep breathing or other helpful skills, can allow you to come back to an interaction and truly be able to listen to what your partner or family member has to say. Being able to apologize and/or make amends for any wrongdoing that you’ve done, then becomes the focus of the relationship.

Self-Loathing and the Issue of Equality

One of the main problems with self-loathing is that you tend to see yourself as less than others at times. This is a critical mistake in your way of thinking about yourself. You and others are equal to each other, no matter what their stature or station in life may be. Since you and they are equal, then you owe it to yourself to treat yourself with gentleness and fairness, and to not be harsh with yourself. Accountability and firmness may be necessary in any given situation to mend the relationship, but to engage in the anger and vitriol directed at yourself serves no redeeming purpose, as the famous couples therapist Terry Real has said.

What To Do If You Continue to Struggle with Self-Loathing

Most people who struggle with self-loathing need professional help. I’ve been helping people overcome self-loathing for years in my professional practice, and I would be happy to offer you a free 20-minute phone consult to find out more about whether you might benefit from working with me. I can help you address this problem using one of several forms of therapy, including EMDR and Image Transformation Therapy (ImTT). I can also help you to address this problem in your relationships as well. Just call the number at the top of the page or fill out a form at the bottom if you live in Maryland or Texas, and I’ll be happy to get back to you at my earliest opportunity. Please keep in mind that no one benefits from you expressing anger towards yourself, and it can often come at the expense of your relationships, too. So please get the help that you and your loved ones deserve in getting rid of this toxic issue.

Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you with self-loathing.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.