Do you and your partner continually wind up butting heads over issues you know in your heart are really trivial? Do you feel stymied by continuing to have the same argument with your partner over and over again? Well, the answer can probably be found in Terry Real’s new book:  Us, which deals with how to recover from relationship conflicts. I review this book in the space below.

Relationship Conflict is a Hallmark of Our Times

There have been many couples therapy gurus, especially in the last 50 years. It could be argued that each of them was appropriate and well-suited for their time. However, in our current day and age, there is so much pressure put on relationships that they are inevitably fraught with relationship conflict that is often seemingly unsolvable. Divorce is as ever present a threat to relationships as it’s ever been, and the stressors in our day-to-day lives are doing nothing but increasing.

Relationship Conflict and the ‘Me’ Culture

How many times have you been told that if you just figure out the right words to tell your partner that somehow all of your conflict will disappear and they will completely agree and go along with what you want them to do? The key mistake in this kind of thinking is that you need to get our partners to bend to your will. The fact of the matter is that a spousal relationship is one in which control by either partner is totally an unhealthy and mistaken game. Us does an excellent job of putting the prime focus on the relationship, and not the individual partners involved. This is in line with some new clinical thinking that helps us to see ourselves as part of a larger hole. We first belong to our partners in our families, and then we belong to a community, and then we belong to a society. When you take the focus off of just you and what you’re missing, then you have an opportunity to get past relationship conflicts with your partner.

Continual Relationship Conflict Makes You Your Own Worst Enemy

When you repeatedly experience the same relationship conflict with your partner despite the changing apparent focus of the argument, you unwittingly undermine your own health and well-being. One of my favorite quotes from the book Us refers to the fact that unless you are really wanting a divorce from your partner you need to remember that there’s somebody that you have to wake up next to every day of the year and live with for the indefinite future. When you realize that your task is to help your partner to be the best member of this team that you’re a part of, then you do yourself a huge favor in the process. Unfortunately, many partners don't understand this, or refuse to accept the simple fact.

‘Fierce Intimacy’ as the Antidote to Relationship Conflict

With the concept of “fierce intimacy,“ Terry Real helps you to understand that you do need to speak up for yourself in a relationship. Focusing on the relationship doesn’t mean you sacrifice your own needs and interests. Quite the opposite, the idea is that if you tend to withdraw or shut down in your relationship that instead you start to speak up in order to achieve a healthy balance in your relationship. Likewise, if you’re always seemingly picking fights and chasing your partner down the hallway and tackling them to somehow try and have a conversation with them, the idea is to resist pursuing them and invite them to talk calmly, and in the mode of what the author calls, the “wise adult” instead to help you break out of continual relationship conflict.

What If You Continue to Suffer from Relationship Conflict Regardless of What You Do?

You can often do a lot to improve the whole situation by doing your part, and managing your side of the street in the relationship. However, sometimes despite your best efforts, you may continue to experience relationship conflict. I've been helping my clients with their relationships for my entire social work career, and have been familiarized with Terry Real’s therapy model, Relational Life Therapy. I would be happy to offer you and your partner a free 20-minute consult to give you a better idea about whether I could help you in your relationship. Just call the number at the top of the page or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you at my earliest convenience to schedule the consult. At a time like this, you owe it to yourself, your partner, and your family to do the best you can to help make things work out. The one who will appreciate it most at the end of the day is you!.

Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you to learn more about coping with relationship conflict.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.