Do you wonder if you’ve met the right person or not? Do you even know how to tell if who you’re with is right for you? Do you find you and your partner constantly getting into headbutting sessions over some fundamental issues? You may have a problem with basic compatibility, so read on. 

Compatibility is a Central Issue in Most Dating Relationships

So much is made of compatibility in relationships, and it has been this way for a long time. In an age where divorces are ever-increasing and divorce lawyers are making money hand over fist, it would seem that incompatibility between partners is at an all time high. This problem and issue of compatibility is an age old one, and it drives much of the discontent that couples experience with each other.

The Essence of the Incompatibility Factor

The problem with couples is not so much one of incompatibility, but one of not wanting the same kind of relationship as one another. You probably find yourself thinking or ruminating about whether your partner is right for you or not, but it doesn’t boil down so much to getting along as it does to what kind of relationship you each want. For example, one partner may want to settle down and have children, and another one will want to live a free and easy lifestyle with a lot of travel and leisure in their future. What gets termed not being “right“ for each other in this case, boils down to each partner wanting different things from the relationship. In that case, there is no doubt for an objective person that going forward together is not wise for both partners. Whether you call this a matter of not getting along or not is largely a matter of terminology.

The 5 Keys to Determining Incompatibility with Your Partner:

1. Not agreeing about children. This includes whether to have them, as well as how to raise children if you are going to have them. 

2. Disagreeing about relating to each one’s parents: how to relate to them, etc

3. Disagreeing about money and/or religion. For example a saver dating a spender or one partner insisting on their partner being of the same religion as they are.

4. Disagreeing about sex: what kind of sex, how much, how often, open or closed relationship, etc.

5. Not wanting the same kind of relationship as one another.

Note that any one of these factors can be a reason for break up!

What if You Find You’re Incompatible with Each Other?

The obvious answer would be to break up. If you’re not sure about any of these, then, why not ask your partner directly? You may be afraid of the answer that you’ll get, but it’s much better to have clear answers, rather than to live with an ambiguous situation. If you don’t get the answer that you want, you may hope that your partner will change over time, but that is a mistake. What’s baked in now as far as incompatibility is concerned will likely never change.

Can an Incompatible Partner Change?

Of course your partner could change, but to believe that they will change for you as far as the five criteria of compatibility, well that’s a no go. No amount of persuading, cajoling, arm-twisting, etc. will make them change. The fact that you got the answers that you did at this point in time is very indicative of the fact that you aren’t right for each other now, and that means that you need to move on.

What Can Incompatible Partners Do If They’re Married?

You could get a divorce, but if you already have children, or are very invested in each other, then there may be a way to work things out. The decision making process for deciding on incompatibility is never perfect, and does rely on quite a bit of intuition in order to get there. There are some things that are irreconcilable however. As I mentioned above, no amount of controlling or coercing will make your partner change, or vice versa. If a divorce is necessary, then better you to go on, and live your lives with a chance at finding a partner who does want the kind of relationship you want than trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I see a lot of couples clients who are very bitter in their relationships and wind up breaking up after they realize that they can’t have their needs met in their relationship. That’s not an admission of failure, but it does point to a need for very firm decision making earlier in the process.

What To Do If You Struggle with Incompatibility

I’ve worked with many clients over my social work career who have suffered through very unhappy marriages and relationships. I help all of them to work to either improve the relationships they’re in, or to move on if that's something that’s called for. Often having a seasoned professional to consult with on relationship matters can mean the difference between a happy life going forward and ongoing misery. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page or fill out the form below in order to get a free 20 minute phone consult to find out if I can help you to decide on compatibility issues in your relationships if you live in Maryland or Texas. We all need connection in our lives, but to sacrifice our own needs, wants, and self-respect to maintain those is out of the question if you are to maintain your mental health and sanity. I totally support you in taking the necessary steps to make sure your relationships are in your own best interests.

Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with identifying incompatibility in your relationship(s).

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.