Do you find yourself talking critically to yourself about your relationship situation? Do you often find yourself stealing the thunder from your partner when they criticize you and talking even more negatively about yourself when that happens? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then self compassion could definitely help improve your relationship situation.

Self Compassion is a Big Element Lacking in Couples Relationships

We’re in a time when so many people put so much emphasis on their partner and spousal relationships, that they often overlook the difficulties they have relating to themselves. Many people look for experiences in their relationships that will somehow validate them and make them happy and feel fulfilled. The problem is that they don’t have an ability to validate or affirm themselves, and this points to a lack of self compassion.

What is Self Compassion Anyway?

Self compassion is an ability to relate to oneself with an attitude of kindness, compassion, and acceptance. Unfortunately, it’s something that is often counter to what our culture teaches us as far as how we relate to ourselves. Many people go forward in their lives, looking for someone who will love them unconditionally and validate them, and fully embrace them when they have no working model for how this can play out in their own lives or in their families. What winds up happening is that there’s just as tremendous disconnect between what we’re seeking and what we have going on inside of us.

3 Ways Self Compassion Can Help Improve Your Relationship

1) You will be able to do a large portion of the emotional heavy lifting in the relationship to help pull yourself up instead of having to lean on your partner.

2) You will have a greater ability to empathize and be of support to your partner when they are struggling in the relationship and personally.

3) The potential for your relationship to become contemptuous is that much lessened because you’re not internally filling yourself with the bile of anger and self criticism, and you’re also not fostering any resentment toward your partner to the extent you can speak up for yourself in the context of the relationship. All this serves to foster a positive relationship within and without, and makes it much less likely that you and your relationship will suffer because of unkindness towards yourself or your partner.

What are Some Ways to Develop Self Compassion?

There have been numerous books on the topic of self compassion in recent years, including those written by Kristen Neff and Tara Brock. You can read these for more thorough information about developing self compassion, but one of the exercises that I have recently started using with my clients is one Tara Brock dubbed the RAIN meditation. This particular mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to recognize when they are in a state of internal conflict or turmoil, then to allow that disharmony or discontent to exist within them at any given time. You then encouraged to investigate the source of the discontent, which often shows up as anger at oneself or others. Then you visualize or experience some sense of nurturing for a part of oneself that is suffering because of the internal conflict, and then you are able to move forward from that place in a way that is not injurious to themselves or others. This, in my opinion, gets at the very heart of what this concept is all about.

What If Self Compassion Continues to Be a Struggle For You?

I’ve been working with my clients, my entire social work career to help them develop attitudes and practices that will help them increase their ability to attain self compassion. While I’m not an expert on the topic, I do work with most or all of my clients in developing practices that will foster self compassion. If you live in Maryland or Texas, I encourage you to reach out to me if you are wanting to develop this in yourself or in your relationship, and I would be happy to give you a 20 minute phone consult to better understand whether I can help you in your situation or not. You most likely have been waiting a long time to find some peace within, and I encourage you to take the necessary steps to find that now!

Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with self compassion.  

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.