Have you ever started couples therapy and then wound up having a break up while you’re going through it? If so, do you wonder why in the world that would happen considering you’re finally at a point of getting help? I’ll try to answer these questions in this week's blog post .

The Problem of Relationship Breakups Is Just As Bad As Ever

We’re in a time where there is tremendous stress on relationships, while also there’s no time when more has been expected of our relationships than right now. So what we’re experiencing is a diametrical opposition of increasing demand and incredible stress on relationships so something’s got to give. Sometimes this happens before people seek help, sometimes it happens after couples seek help…even when they’re in couples therapy.

Break Ups Are Just Something That Happens

It doesn’t necessarily take on any greater significance if your break up happens in couples therapy, but what often happens is that one partner will cling to an unhealthy stance or strategy in the relationship while the other may be more open to changing. The partner with the unhealthy attachment to their relationship stance, then winds up subverting the whole couples therapy process despite their overt willingness to change. I’ve seen this happen with some of my couples, and it is most unfortunate. The good thing here is that the couple at least sought out help before the relationship eventually ended, despite how unfortunate the outcome is.

There’s No Magic Recipe to Prevent Break Ups

The solution for couples almost always involves hard work in changing deeply ingrained, and toxic, relationship patterns. This requires a lot of work, and some people are up for it, and others aren’t. And it only takes one partner to sink the relationship ‘ship’, so that makes it less of a sure thing that couples can recover compared to individuals in one-on-one therapy.  That also may have something to do with why most health insurances pay so little for couples therapy:  because they see it as a bad bet in the first place, and break ups are a better than even bet.

The Way Forward Post Break Up

Once a break up happens in couples therapy, then the couples therapy process is basically over. Then the work obviously moves to processing the grief of the dissolution in individual therapy. Most individual therapists are good at helping people process the grief from the end of a marriage or relationship. There are several ways to do this, including the ‘Empty Chair' technique, or EMDR for those relationships that have been traumatic, involving abuse or betrayal. The main thing is that you get the support you need in processing the relationship ending and the grief from it so that you don’t keep repeating the same old negative patterns in your relationships going forward.

Does a Break Up in Couples Therapy Mean That It Doesn’t Work?

The answer to that is no, but regardless of that people can develop a negative opinion of couples therapy because of such an experience. The main thing to keep in mind is that the relationship was already suffering before you and your partner got into couples therapy, so it wasn’t the couples therapy that caused the break up. With proper training, many couples therapists can help people get past their issues in therapy. The challenge is that both you and your partner have free will, and can either agree to change and help the relationship, or to just abandon ship and go it alone. Part of the problem is that we live in a society that focuses more on the individual than it does on the collective organism of coupleship.

How to Avoid a Breakup Going Forward

You simply can’t do this, no matter how much you may want to unless you want to live alone for the rest of your life. The best thing to do is to grieve the break up, learn what you can from it, and try to become a more relationship-oriented partner in the future. There’s many different avenues to do this, but none of them have any guarantee of success. Relationships are inherently risky, but working on yourself will always lead to better relationship results going forward, even the ones you decide to pass on because your degree of dysfunction is not as bad as someone else’s.

What If You Are In a Relationship Headed for Breakup?

While I don’t guarantee the results of my couples therapy, I can assure you in all my years of experience as a clinician that I can give you a good idea about whether I could help you or not from a free 20 minute consult with you and your partner. At that point, you will get an idea about whether I can help you, and I have been helping my clients in their relationships for the entirety of my social work career. Regardless of what you might believe, you really do deserve to give it your best shot in helping your relationship to recover. Then you don’t have to look back in regret for what you could have done or might’ve done to make things better. I have one of the most practical and common sense approaches to helping my clients in their relationships to get better, and I urge you to do what you can to help, regardless of whether you wind up working with me or not.

Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with your relationship issues.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.