Do you sometimes feel like you're “less than“ because you don’t earn as much as your partner? Do you sometimes feel somewhat resentful that you have to carry the financial load for your family because your partner doesn’t earn as much as you? In either case, you could be struggling with some of the emotional effects of financial inequality in your relationship, so please read on.

Financial Inequality Can Be a Big Deal in Relationships

We are in a time, perhaps like no other, where many partners in a relationship are both in the workforce and one doesn’t have to stay home full-time to take care of the children. Not quite a century ago there were clear understandings about gender roles, and who would do the lion's share of the child rearing, also. Now both partners typically work outside the home and bring in different amounts of income to the family. The temptation can arise to somehow judge oneself or one's partner for the amount of income that their job or employment brings in. Sometimes the expectation that both partners pitch in equally to family expenses can make financial inequality in a relationship a big issue.

Financial Inequality in Relationships Can Be a Basis for Judgment

In our materialistic society, it can be tempting to look at one's income in comparison to your partner and draw conclusions about yourself or their inherent worth because of it. It’s very easy to do, but couldn’t be more out of alignment with the way you need to look at yourself and your partner in the relationship.

One of the key principles of Relational Life Therapy, which was created by the therapist Terry Real, is that both partners in a relationship are equals and need to look at each other as such. When we look at our salaries or our incomes and compare ourselves either positively or negatively to our partners because of this skews the fundamental principle that each partner is equal to the other. Each partner has their own inherent worth that is not dependent on financial standing or income-generating capacities. This is critical for having relationships that are free of contempt, which Terry Real describes as the worst toxin for relationships. So the judgment that goes with financial inequality is a fallacy.

How to Cope with Income Inequality in Your Relationship

If both you and your partner have your own jobs and employment situation, then somehow apportioning the finances so that the partner that earns more pays an increased proportion of the family expenses only makes sense. It’s much simpler, but less easy when only one partner has a job, as was the case in previous times. If you each have separate bank accounts, then perhaps doing a monthly expenses tabulation where the partner with the greater income pays the greater proportion and amount of their expenses each month is one way of addressing the problem. Over time, the idea of combining expenses is preferable, so contributing a greater amount to the joint bank account by the more financially affluent partner only makes sense. This can help to foster a feeling of fairness in the relationship and undercut the potential for anger or resentment that often goes with financial inequlity.

Financial Inequality and Its Emotional Ramifications

To the extent that one partner may be feeling less than in the relationship, it can be important to talk about this with your partner to increase a sense of vulnerability and connection. If one partner becomes judgmental of the other, or even resentful because the other partner makes less, then the resentful partner needs to work against this. Talking about your resentment with your partner could be counterproductive, so this may be something that you need to deal with internally or with a trained professional. The big point here is not to withhold your feelings from your partner, but unless you can understand them better and express them in a way that is not damaging to the relationship, you might need to talk about them with a professional first.  Perhaps your resentment is based in fear of financial insecurity, and it is really fear that underlies your resentment and is more important to talk about with a partner than resentment. Hopefully any anger stemming from unfairness has been dealt with as outlined above and can alleviate the hard feelings that can accompany financial inequality.   

Financial Inequality and Financial Advisors

Many people are seeking out financial advisors to help with their financial struggles these days. While financial advisors can help to structure your finances and in a way that is most beneficial for you and your family, they can’t address the emotional consequences of financial inequality and relationships. They can help with gaining better financial clarity about your goals and how to reach them as a couple and a family, but they cannot address the potential grievances that can be the undercurrent of your financial situation. Money issues are typically about power in relationships, and understanding them in that vein can help you and your partner to get back to or attain some experience of equality in your relationship. The main thing is to realize your partner is your equal, and not better or worse than.

What If You Continue to Struggle with Financial Inequality in Your Relationship?

Sometimes even the best communication between partners along with financial advisors cannot root out the problem. I encourage you to seek out professional help, such as couples therapy, if you experience deeply ingrained emotional struggles because of financial inequality. I’ve been helping my clients and their partners in addressing emotional struggles that can involve money for my entire social work career. I encourage you to reach out to me by calling the number at the top of the page, or filling out the inquiry form below for a free 20-minute interactive consult where I can help you and your partner get a better idea of whether I can help you with your particular situation. Regardless, you stand only to gain by addressing the problem more directly, so I heartily encourage you to take the steps that will help you and your relationship to be on better ground.

Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with financial insecurity.  

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.