Do you want to stop acting out sexually, but wonder how you can do it when your partner doesn’t want sex as much as you do? Do you sometimes want to blame your problems with sex addiction on your partner because they don’t want to have sex as much as you’d like? If you answered yes to either one of these questions, then, this blog post is for you.

Sex Drive Differences are Very Common in Couples

Regardless of how often you and your partner had sex when you first met or became monogamous with each other, over time people’s sex drives can change. Just because you want sex a certain amount of the time, does it mean that your partner still does, if they ever did. This can create problems, and particularly if someone is trying to recover from sex addiction.

Each Partner’s Sex Drive is Their Responsibility

You are the one who is responsible for taking care of your sex drive and your sex life. Sure, you are in a relationship with someone who ideally cares about you getting your sexual needs met, but it doesn’t change the point that each partner is basically responsible for getting their own sexual needs met. However, if you are someone who has struggled with sex addiction, then you may want to return to old acting behaviors if your partner can’t or won’t help you in that regard. This doesn’t give you a reason to blame them for your predicament, but what it does do is cause you to find other ways to take care of yourself sexually.

Masturbation Agreements and Sex Drive

Each couple has some form of what is called a “masturbation agreement.“ This is something that can be either implicit or explicit. It’s implicit if you two have not talked about it but operate from some common understanding about what’s OK and not OK in your relationship. If you're not sure about the masturbation agreement, then bringing the topic up and clarifying it will help to make it explicit. This is sometimes necessary when there is some ambiguity about the situation, as I mentioned.

No One is To Blame for Sex Drive Differences

As I mentioned above, it’s not your fault that you either want sex more than your partner does, or that your partner has less interest in sex than you do. It simply underscores the fact that the partner who is more interested in sex needs to be more conscious of their responsibility for taking care of their sexual needs. Speaking up and saying something to the effect of, ‘We each deserve a healthy sex life, so how can we make this happen?’ or simply asking about how often your partner thinks having sex would be good is a way to get that started. Some couples need to have couples or sex therapy to discuss these things and facilitate a healthy discussion about the topic.

Trying to Make Up for Low Sex Drive

Sometimes a partner will try to force themselves to have sex more often with their partner, even when their sex drive is lower than their partner’s. This can bring up problems, because if the partner with the lower sex drive is not enjoying sex, then it becomes a way of simply trying to “hold on” to their partner. In these cases, when the one partner is not experiencing the sexual health principle of mutual pleasure, then it becomes more of a chore than a gratifying experience. Being able to have open and frank conversations about your sex drive differences can be an important tool in dealing with and/or resolving these. Again, if you and your partner struggle to do that, then considering couples therapy can also be a necessary focus.

What if You Continue to Struggle with Sex Drive Differences?

I’ve been helping my clients with their issues around sex with their partners and in sexual recovery for most of my clinical career. I would be happy to talk to you about what you can do to address these in your ongoing sexual or relationship recovery.  Please call the number at the top of the page, or fill out the form below, and I will get back to you as soon as possible to schedule a free 20 minute interactive consult so you can get a better idea about whether I can help you with your own sex drive differences. There is so much potentially to be gained by getting help and addressing this issue, either individually or as a couple. I encourage you to do what is best for your recovery, as well as that of your relationship.

Visit our page on sex addiction therapy to find out how Scott can help you deal with your sex drive differences.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.