Are you a male who looks at porn and tends to feeling guilty about doing so, or worse? Whether you do or not you should probably know about a new book I recently read by David Ley, PhD called Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure. It can help give you wider perspective of a part of your life you probably never thought of, and if you have problems with porn use it can help you have a better take on the relative degree of your problem.
Porn Use By Men Is a Big Issue
First of all, there are hardly any men who haven’t been exposed to porn at some time in their lives. If you haven’t you have led an insulated existence. Dr. Ley doesn’t get into this, but by the time most boys get into middle adolescence they have already been exposed to porn these days due to the ready availability of it on the internet. Dr. Ley does talk about how widely porn is viewed, and also how female partners and spouses can tend to equate porn use to infidelity. He does not justify this view, but he does talk about how keeping it a secret from your partner can be a problem or create problems in your relationship.
How to Cope With The Issue to Get Some Resolution
Dr. Ley does not suggest that porn is a bad thing, but he does mention that some men have trouble with porn use. He also proposes some ways they can cope with this to make it more manageable. This is mainly in the form of setting limits on your porn use, or cutting it out altogether if you don’t like using it or feel like you can’t limit your use. He does spend a lot of time talking about how it is a natural thing for men to do, and how to talk with your spouse about it in a way that is not threatening to them and more likely to keep your partner from feeling hurt by you looking at it. Whatever the case, hiding it or keeping it a secret is not the answer.
Porn Use Is Such a Common Thing These Days
Like I said earlier, so many men look at porn these days it is hard to find one who hasn’t. Maybe you do and feel like there are a lot of men who don’t; but that is totally ‘bass-ackwards.’ Perhaps the best thing about this book is that it does a lot to help you realize you are not a pervert for looking at porn, and that the history of porn is about as old as the history of mankind. Dr. Ley talks about how as long as people have been able to write or draw, like on cave walls in prehistoric times, there has been porn. It has only been since the advent of our modern religions have come on the scene that there has been censorship and discouragement of using porn.
So Is Ethical Porn a Real Thing, and So What?
You might wonder if you have been ever using ethical porn at this point...if ever. Well, if you haven’t paid for the porn you’ve looked at, you probably haven’t been looking at ethical porn. Looking at ‘Aggregator’ sites that have a lot on them makes it hard to tell if it was produced ethically. ‘Ethical’ here refers to porn that is non-exploitative, or that was made with actors that aren’t underage, that have been paid fairly for their services, and weren’t coerced into doing it, etc. This can be hard to determine, but it does suggest having more awareness when you are looking at porn about whether these things are in place or not. And if they aren’t ethical then taking your business elsewhere is what you can do to help keep yourself from feeling guilty...or more guilty than otherwise about viewing porn. It matters because there is a lot of sex trafficking these days, as well as exploitative porn: so it’s important to not contribute to these problems.
Where You Can Find Ethical Porn
Dr. Ley doesn’t give an easy answer to this question, but it generally is something you at least pay to view. It also is something where the performers are adequately paid, and may have a commentary about the performance, for example, among other things that make it a more complete experience. He also gives some examples of sources of ethical porn, but these appeared to generally be those that appeal to the LGBTQ community, interestingly enough. It’s not like finding a needle in a haystack, but might seem that way if you are wanting to find something ‘quick and easy’ to satisfy your desires. Dr. Ley does give some good advice about underage viewing and how it can warp children and adolescents who haven’t been guided by adults to navigate this huge area of material that is readily available on the internet. I have a previous blog post that addresses that, too.
How I Can Help in Dealing With Porn Use
If you are a man that uses porn, I can help guide you in a non-judgmental way to become more conscious in your use of porn and how to deal with it. I can help you if you use it and want to stop, as well as if you want to figure out how to limit your use to the kind described above. I have dealt with this issue in clinical and non-clinical settings in a way that can help you integrate all areas of your sexuality without moralizing or shaming you into being the way somebody else thinks you should be. I encourage you to give me a call if you want help in this area, and would be happy to have a free 45-minute phone or in-person consult to find out if I can be of help. You can call me at 512-648-3053 or fill out the form below for a free phone consult or to schedule a in-person free consult.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin. He now works with adults and adolescents of all ages in private practice.