Do you ever feel like you’re a kid again when you’re with your family, and that they won’t treat you like you’re a grown up even though you’re an adult? If your answer to this question is yes, then read on.
Family Roles Are the Norm, Not the Exception
The vast majority of us grow up in families, and are indoctrinated into a family culture. We all learn ways of behaving in our families and what is okay to say and do and what is not okay. This all happens over many years and by the time most of us leave our family systems we think the way we’re taught to behave in it is the ‘normal’ way. No matter how long we may live in broader society, when we return to visit family we can unconsciously slip back into our old family roles.
What is a Family Role?
As I alluded to above, a family role is a pattern of behavior you learned from or within your family unit growing up. It is a set of behaviors you learned that either were deemed okay or got you the attention you sought out (either positive or negative). It is something hard-wired into your brain and nervous system, and can be classified into various categories. For some people, they grew up in their families being the ‘hero’ child, or the parentified child, or the black sheep or scapegoat. For many people, these roles are unconsciously taken into adulthood as well and form the basis of their spousal relationships as well.
How to Break Out of a Family Role
Eliminating a family role over the long-term is the work of serious work in therapy. However, if you’re going home for a visit and want to be able to deal with your controlling and dominating mother without going back into automatic and giving into every demand she makes, there are some things you can do to break out of the old patterns.
Set healthy boundaries for yourself and enforce them. Think beforehand about what things one or more of your relatives will try to do that typically trigger you to behave reactively, then decide what you will say or do in response to that behavior. It could be something they usually say that is critical of you, and if you want to set a boundary it is important to say something like “I’m not okay with that criticism.” Be prepared to follow up and have a course of action, such as leaving a gathering, if they don’t stop after you state your boundary.
Strategize about how to avoid engaging in behaviors you commonly get sucked into. For example, if your mother instinctively criticizes you, and you tend to get into arguments about this, having a predetermined boundary and enforcing it calmly and resolutely is a way to break out of your reaction pattern. But rehearsing the likely interaction in advance, either by yourself, with a trusted friend, or a therapist can be helpful.
Avoid getting too hungry, angry, or tired. These are a few of some key vulnerability factors that if you can make sure you take care of, you are less likely to get caught up in unhealthy family roles.
Use bookending to cope. This is a coping technique that involves checking in with a trusted friend or partner in advance of potentially treacherous family interactions, as well as afterwards. Just calling someone and briefly talking about how your feeling, as well as discussing what your plan to cope is, and following up afterwards can be very important to being able to break out of a family role you’ve played out for a long time.
What To Do for Long-Term Relief from Family Roles
Above are the steps for more limited family interactions where your old roles are likely to be revived. If you find you get caught up in these roles in a more deep and prolonged manner, therapy is the best place to work on these. I’ve been helping people break out of old family roles for years, and it is one of the most important and rewarding outcomes of therapy to overcome one’s family role. If you want to learn about how I might be able to help you in this respect, feel free to give me a call at 512-648-3053. I offer a free 15-minute phone consult to help you get a better idea about this, and you can also fill out the form below to arrange this. Developing the ability to live your life free of family roles can be so important that it can be the difference between life and death. That’s how damaging some people’s family roles can be, so reach out to get the help you need in overcoming yours. It’s your life and you deserve to be able to live it just the way you want to!
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, MD. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His new e-book is entitled Life’s Lessons from the Young and the Old and is available for purchase on Amazon.
Visit our page on depression therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with depression.