Have you ever found yourself feeling like you hate your relationship partner? Have you found yourself ever acting in ways that seem to be totally counter to the way you want to show up in your relationship? If you do, then I encourage you to continue to read because this blog post May be very helpful for you.

Contempt is a Chief Problem in Intimate Relationships

One of the things that has become a major threat in relationships is the issue of contempt. You may not think of yourself as a contemptuous person, or your partner may not seem like a contemptuous person to you either. But anytime when strong anger gets a hold in relationships and affects people's interaction patterns, the issue of contempt looms large in those relationships.

 How Contempt Takes Hold in Relationships

There’s an old saying that goes ‘You always hurt the ones you love,’ and that may be very true in close relationships. Anytime we have an intimate partner, especially for a long term relationship, things get stirred up that go back a long, long way to childhood. Often there is a buildup of anger and resentment over time because many of us lack the wise, mature adult way of addressing and resolving these conflicts. In such cases, after a certain period of time, that anger and resentment spills over and we wind up losing it with our partners. It isn’t that you’re to blame for the situation, but unless you have a healthy and assertive way of addressing the conflicts, this is almost inevitably going to happen.

How Contempt Corrodes Your Relationship

So this buildup of anger and resentment over time that spills out, and even just a momentary interaction can serve to dramatically undermine your relationship. There’s nobody else in the world, except for a select few, that you may care as much about and when you unleash a torrent of anger on your partner, you can wind up eroding love, caring, and trust for no good reason. Again, neither you nor your partner are to blame for this situation, but you are responsible for taking a wise, mature adult stance in the situation. In these instances of anger outbursts you come off in a one up and grandiose manner, and that erodes any experience of a quality in your relationship. Equality is central to having an optimal relationship with your partner. No one can love another from a one up or a one down position, and anger in contempt puts people in these imbalanced situations.

How to Start Breaking the Cycle of Contempt in Your Relationships

One of the things couples who have a healthier relationship situation do is that they will take timeouts from each other periodically. A timeout can be taken unilaterally, and involves one partner announcing that they are going to need to be off by themselves for a while to cope and de-escalate, so that they aren’t likely to blast their partner when the interaction starts to get heated. This takes a wise, mature adult to know when to do this, as well as an another mature adult partner to allow them to do this. The result is that what might have otherwise been an extremely toxic interaction has been headed off. The partners can then after a day or so reconvene to talk about the matter in a wise, mature adult manner. If they can’t do that, then the discussion gets postponed for a later date. But in any case, the damage of what would’ve otherwise been a very fraught interaction has been lessened. 

What if Contempt Threatens to Destroy Your Relationship Entirely?

There are other skills and strategies that I use with my couples to help them to repair their relationships, and if you are thinking that you need couples therapy to address the situation, then you’re welcome to call me or fill out the form at the bottom of the page. I can get back to you to schedule a free phone or virtual consult for you and your partner to see if I might be able to help you if you live in Maryland or Texas. I’ve been helping my clients in their relationships from my entire social work career, and would be happy to talk to you about seeing how I might be able to help you in your relationship as well. You do owe it to yourself, your partner, and your family to do everything you can to try to salvage your relationship. The stakes are too high to risk doing otherwise.

Visit our couples therapy page to find out how Scott can help you to overcome contempt in your relationship.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.