Are you someone who’s had a partner cheat on you and you feel haunted by this? Do you keep wondering when the next incidence of infidelity will happen and try to figure out how to catch your partner in the act? Does all this make you feel frazzled and like you could fly off the handle at a moment’s notice? If you answered yes to most of these questions you probably suffer from some degree of betrayal trauma.
What is Betrayal Trauma and Who Suffers From It?
Betrayal trauma occurs when one partner in a couple experiences a breach of trust that is so profound it tends to color all their perceptions of their partner, and perhaps their world as well. The experience of betrayal is so upsetting that the memory of the event stays burned in your consciousness. Although statistics on this phenomenon are not available due to how new this concept is, there is good reason to believe that many partners in couples relationships suffer from this. So many couples experience infidelity at some point, and some significant portion of the partners who have been betrayed will be traumatized by it. Also in this category could be partners of individuals with addiction issues who betray trust in their partners by relapsing repeatedly into addictions. This experience can be traumatizing as well. So in this regard betrayal trauma can affect a great many people. Just feeling jealous of your partner isn’t the same as betrayal trauma, as the noted therapist and author Esther Parel has pointed out in a famous interview of hers.
How Betrayal Trauma Effects Mental Health
Much of what makes betrayal trauma bad for mental health is what makes regular trauma bad for mental health. The effects include things as obvious as flashbacks and nightmares, to a feeling of constant vigilance and irritability, as well as inability to enjoy things or feeling numb. This can also include rage as well, which can come out at your partner and wind up making a bad thing worse. Even if you don’t wind up raging at your partner, your trauma necessarily makes the relationship worse because of how much it winds up negatively affecting your partner and your children. I’m not trying to lay blame here, because there is no excuse for infidelity or cheating. It does wind up creating a vicious cycle where interactions just keep deteriorating and some partners wind up acting contemptuous of their partner. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work identifies this in his depiction of what he calls the Four Horsemen in Relationships with contempt as being the absolute worst of these. Blame is another one that partners get trapped in, and may be something you’ve experienced when your partner is doing things that upset or offend you.
Do’s and Don’ts for Betrayal Trauma
Don’t blame, scold, lecture, or berate your partner for the infidelity.
Don’t use addictive substances or engage in addictive behaviors to cope.
Don’t insist in monitoring your partner’s every move to try and ensure they don’t betray you again.
Don’t insist on your partner telling you about every transgression from the past after they’ve been caught the first time.
Don’t assume divorce is necessary without talking to friends, family, or your therapist first.
Do express your feelings of upset if your partner will listen.
Do find ways of coping with your feelings that are helpful and constructive.
Do seek out professional help.
How I Can Help with Betrayal Trauma
I’ve worked with traumatized people my entire clinical career and have helped some who have suffered from some of the most severe abuse there is. I can tell you that there is no substitute for a gifted and caring couples therapist to guide you and your partner through the recovery process from breaches of trust like the kind that causes betrayal trauma. There is also a need for the partner who suffers betrayal trauma to get help. I use EMDR and Image Transformation Therapy to help my clients, and both of these are effective for most people in resolving trauma of most every kind. While I most often work with male clients who suffer from problematic sexual behavior, I can also talk with you about possibly helping you with betrayal trauma. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page or fill out my inquiry form below to get a free 20-minute phone consult, and find out for yourself what recovery from betrayal trauma can be like. Do it for yourself, your family, and your community. You deserve to be well!
Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you with trauma.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.