Do you often find yourself trying to give your relationship partner direct answers to questions, or seeking to ‘fix’ a problem that is presented for apparent resolution? If you do, you probably struggle with your listening skills, and active listening could be the best way to solve some of your relationship problems.
Active Listening is a Skill Many Couples Struggle to Learn
In our individualistic and largely egocentric culture, many people struggle to learn and/or put into practice some of the most basic relationship skills that would be of great value in resolving problems couples are having. One of these is active listening, and it relies heavily on being able to quiet or suspend a part of th brain that gets in the way of actually having relationships with other people. The problem is that for most people, their left brain is going so much of the time to actually get it to stop and really take in what their partner is saying can be a tremendous feat.
Active Listening Relies Mostly on a State of Mind Instead of Words
Most people who are taught active listening are simply being given words to say, instead of instructed on how to actually relate to a partner. The skill is actually very simple, but many people struggle to put it into play because they’re usually not in an emotional state where they can actually apply it. To actually be able to truly listen to a partner, you need to be able to make sure that much of your left brain is quiet and basically out of the way, and you can have an attitude of “curious, compassion“ that the noted therapist, Terry Real talks about in one or more of his books on the relationships. That ability to get the emotional part of your left brain out of the way is all-important in really being able to take in what your partner is trying to tell you. Otherwise, you are bound to become reactive and eventually defensive ( or worse) with your partner.
The Neuroscience Behind Active Listening
In Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor‘s book Whole Brain Living, she talks about the concept of the “brain huddle“ and how it can be helpful in relating to close family members such as a relationship partner. She talks about how important it is to be able to not engage in emotionality or reactivity if your partner is in that state themselves. What you can do to be able to actively listen to your partner is to call a “brain huddle,“ and choose to bring your best game by having an attitude of compassion and openness towards them when they are in an emotionally upset condition. This helps to make sure you at least don’t make things worse when you’re interacting with him, and when you are able to tell them “I hear you saying ______,” they’re more likely to feel heard and for the issue between the two of you to actually be resolved. There may not actually be a whole lot for you to say at all, but being able to convey the sense that your partner is actually being heard is all important. If you can’t actually achieve this frame of mind, then not having interactions for a while can be perfectly okay at that time.
The ‘Wise Adult’ and Active Listening
There’s no point in trying to listen to your partner unless you are able to take on the ‘wise adult’ role that Terry Real so thoroughly describes in his most recent book Us. That wise adult mode is something that is achieved after you have been able to silence your own agenda, as well as to put any bitter or angry emotions on hold for an extended period of time. Once you’ve done this, you can actually give your partner what they need in terms of attention and understanding after you have had the “compassionate curiosity” to be able to meet them where they are. Once you’ve done that, you’re much more able to resolve issues and differences then if you just came at it from the standpoint of thinking ‘I’ll let them make their point, then I’ll make mine and it’ll all get resolved.’ That strategy has never worked for me in my relationships. The active in active listening here is more about what you do inside instead of what actual words you use with your partner.
What If You Continue to Struggle with Active Listening?
I’ve been working with my clients to help them improve their active listening and relationship skills for my entire social work career, and I definitely encourage you to reach out for professional help if you feel stuck in your relationship situation. I see clients in Texas and Maryland who struggle with their relationship skills, and would be happy to offer you and your partner a free 20 minute interactive telehealth consult to give you a better idea about whether I could help you and your relationship. Just call the number at the top of the page or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you at my earliest opportunity to get something scheduled. Your relationship is critically important to your life, so I urge you to take action today for your behalf and well-being of your loved ones.
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with active listening.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.