Have you found yourself engaging in a pattern of cheating on your spouse or partner, much like one of your parents did before you? Do you wonder if you have the “infidelity gene?” Do you want to blame your behavior on your parents' bad example? If you answered ‘yes’ to one or more of these questions then I urge you to read on.
The Problem of Infidelity in Relationships and Family
Infidelity is a problem that goes back as long as we’ve had spousal relationships, probably tens of thousands of years if not longer. While it may or may not be more of a problem these days, the awareness of where it stems from is ever-increasing. We can look at family patterns, we can look at trauma as a contributor to this, and we even have the ability to look to see if there are genetic components of this and other addictive behaviors.
Can Infidelity Be in Your Gene Pool?
The short answer to this is no. While there is a lot that genetic analysis can tell us about all kinds of things that we are predisposed to, it really can’t tell us much about mental disorders. While genetics can tell us about the predisposition to certain illnesses and ailments, they can’t really trace down a mental health gene that could relate to, something like infidelity.
What Does Contribute to Infidelity?
You can probably look at your family pattern and see how there are certain trends that go across the generations and to things like addictions, other mental illnesses, cancer, heart disease. Of this set, as I mentioned, there is no ‘mental health gene’ that we can point to that definitively ties mental illness, including addictions, to genetics. What we can relate to infidelity is the existence of intergenerational trauma, which comes in different forms. The most common intergenerational pattern has to do with certain behaviors being modeled for children by their parents. This is the most basic explanation for how cheating can cross generational boundaries.
Infidelity Against Your Best Intentions
You may look at parents' pattern of infidelity and say “No way am I doing this too.“ That's all well and good. However, unless you had a convenient role model for how to cope with difficult situations and circumstances, you may be likely to repeat the same unhealthy patterns. It doesn’t matter whether you approve or disapprove of your parents behavior, that was what you saw modeled for you, and that’s what you are inclined to engage in under exactly the wrong circumstances. This perhaps more than any other factor relates to engaging in infidelity, or sex addiction in general. You are inclined to become that which you hate or that which you emulate. Regardless, the key to this pattern is to address the trauma and break the cycle going forward.
How to Break the Cycle of Infidelity
One of the best things you can do to break the infidelity cycle is to understand your own family history. That is most often handled in a good individual therapy situation, but can also be addressed through various support groups that are in existence. You can read books on the topic, listen to podcasts that all focus on intergenerational family trauma and dysfunction, too. Another way to do this is to pay attention to what your spouse is saying about you, and try to focus on how you can improve your current relationship situation. Most often, good couples therapy is the primary vehicle to addressing issues that can lead to infidelity, as well as to repair the breach of trust that often goes with existing infidelity.
What To Do If Infidelity Continues to be a Problem
I’ve been helping my clients deal with infidelity issues for the entirety of my social work career, and I have also helped clients to repair their relationship situations for that length of time also. I would be happy to talk to you if you want to find out if I might be able to help you with your infidelity issues by simply calling the number at the top of the page or filling out the inquiry form below if you live in Maryland or Texas. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible to schedule a free phone or telehealth consult, depending on your situation. The best time to break the cycle of infidelity is now, and the best person that can lead the way and the charge is you. Please get the help that will help you and your family to move forward with new freedom and happiness going forward.
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you recover from infidelity
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.