Do you have a partner who is constantly threatening to break up with you, or are you the one constantly threatening to break up? Do you have a hard time asserting your opinions in the relationship, or are you always trying to get your way? If you answered ‘yes' to one or more of these questions, you may very well be in a manipulative relationship, and it would help to know how to cope with the situation. I urge you to read on in that case.
Manipulative Relationships Have Always Been a Problem for Couples
For as long as couples have been getting together, the issue of shared power has always been a potential theme. In some cultures and times, there may not have been any shared power. One partner, probably the male, always had the upper hand in the relationship in this regard. In more recent times, as both genders have been able to share power more, the issue of manipulativeness has become less covert for women, and possibly more covert for men. It’s always been an issue, but the problem has become more magnified as couples tend to rely more intensely on each other than in previous times.
How You Know You’re in a Manipulative Relationship
The questions I asked at the top of the page indicate possible signs of manipulation. Here are 4 signs you may notice:
Constantly or continually threatening break up, although the partner that is doing this may have no idea about how manipulative it can be.
One partner always seems to be getting their way in the relationship, and the other struggles to find their voice in it.
A pervasive feeling of imbalance in the relationship, such that one partner feels ‘one down’ and the other continually takes a ‘one up’ position.
Gaslighting is an extreme form of manipulation, and which one partners reality is continually undermined such that the others calls into question anyone else’s view or perception aside from the partner that is pulling the wool over the other’s eyes. There are many shades of manipulation in between these, however. Some partners manipulate with anger, others manipulate with guilt or shame.
What to do About Manipulation in Your Relationship
The signs of a manipulative relationship that I described above all have the common ingredient that one partner is empowered at the expense of the other. If you do feel like you are being manipulated in the relationship, then the main task is to start to speak up for yourself. You may have a problem with this because you think it might be selfish for some reason. That’s normal, but the main thing is to understand that unless you find your voice in the relationship, then the relationship itself will continue to suffer from the imbalance between you and your partner. Being able to speak up assertively is key to challenging the control and the power imbalance. Simple I-messages will do, including anyone that allows you to describe the effect on you internally of the manipulative behavior along with the emotion going on inside you and a request to stop the controlling behavior. You aren’t in control of how your partner receives the message, but you can give yourself credit for having spoken up. As my favorite couples therapist Terry Real says, in such instances, it may not be a good day for the relationship, but it has been a good day for you when you’ve spoken up for yourself on behalf of the relationship.
The Power Imbalance and Manipulative Relationships Portends Doom for Couples
The situation in our present day culture is such that no relationship can survive for very long unless both partners relate as equals. The relationship may survive, but it is bound to deteriorate and intimacy is practically impossible unless the two partners feel like equals. The resentment will finally build to a point that there will be some big eruption of the disempowered partner, and they will either leave or otherwise abandon the relationship somehow. The situation can be equally devastating for the manipulating partner, as addictions can often run rampant in either party, as well as all kinds of physical and emotional ailments.
What to do If You’re Still Caught in a Manipulative Relationship
Sometimes regardless of everything that you do, the manipulation in a relationship does not stop. Unless you can be content with what you have done and the limited progress that you made in improving the relationship, you may need to seek our professional help. I’ve been helping my clients in their relationships for my entire social work career, and would be happy to help you in yours. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I’ll get back to you to schedule a free 20 minute individual or couples consult if you live in Texas or Maryland to help you find out if I can help you in your relationship situation. Things can always be better for the suffering partner, and hopefully the relationship can recover from the control that partner exerts over the other. You never know until you find out and ask for help, but you and your relationship deserve to recover.
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with manipulative relationships.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.