Do you ever wonder why you seem so drawn to sex and can’t seem to feel much else other than lust? Do you feel emotionally numb a good deal of the time also? Does anger seem like a familiar go to feeling as well? If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, then you would do well to read the rest of my blog for this week.
Emotional Intelligence and the ‘Man Box’ Culture
While men dominate in the world of work and many areas of achievement in our society, they have become woefully stunted in their emotional development for far too long. One noted authority on the subject causes it the “man box culture“ that limits men to prescribed ways of acting, feeling, and thinking. This culture views any male who falls out of that norm as being somehow less than compared to other men, and it’s on steroids right now.
How Lack of Emotional Intelligence Fosters Rage and Sex Addiction
One other authority on the subject of men’s psychology recently stated in a training that men only are allowed to have two feelings under patriarchy or the “man box culture.” Those two feelings are anger and lust, which can promote being addicted to rage or sex. Either of these extremes, or both, are traps and can lead to much misery for men. It also leads to misery for those there in relationship with, because of how much partners suffer from their men developing rage of alcoholism and sex addiction, not to mention their children as well.
How to Move Towards Emotional Intelligence
To break out of “man box culture“ and start to become aware of more of your feelings, it helps to have friends or a supportive group that can promote greater emotional awareness. You can start by understanding that both anger and lust can hide other deeper feelings, such as sadness, fear, and emotional pain. Addressing those underlying feelings can then become the focus of increasing emotional intelligence. Many of us have parts or aspects of our personalities that tend to hold these feelings, and may seem hidden to us until they are suddenly triggered and come to the surface.
The Role of Groups in Developing Emotional Intelligence
People with addiction issues have benefited from 12 step groups, such as alcoholics anonymous for close to 100 years now. While they’re focused on overcoming addictions, these groups are a key to identifying in getting in touch with your emotions that can relate to addictions. They also provide a message of maturity and wisdom that can help people to deal with their feelings and relational challenges while also trying to attain sobriety or abstinence from an addiction. There are also some men’s groups out there, such as the Mankind Project, that are oriented towards helping men to get in touch with her feelings and to mature emotionally in order to live in a world that needs us to be functional adult adults instead of emotionally stunned youngsters, like those caught in ‘man box’ culture.
Emotional Intelligence and AI
While I don’t recommend AI as a first place to go in developing emotional intelligence, there are some emotionally intelligent AI bots that exist, and can help one to have greater emotional intelligence. One called Pi was specifically developed to have emotional intelligence, and you can prompt any AI bot to talk to you like a clinical psychologist before seeing if it can help you in increasing your emotional awareness. Doing one or both of these approaches can allow you to become aware of some possible feelings and emotions that may be going on aside from being caught between the twin poles of anger and lust.
What If You Continue to Struggle with Emotional Intelligence?
Especially if you’ve already tried a support group or a men’s group, and can’t figure out how to cope with being stuck in anger and lust, I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page or fill out a form below if you live in Maryland or Texas, and I can give you a free 15 minute phone consult to get a better idea about whether I could help you with your particular set of problems. I’ve been helping my clients to deal with their ‘man box’ experience for my entire social work career, and I have many tools that can help in identifying and overcoming whatever feelings might underlie these. You do owe it to yourself, as well as to your partner and/or family to get yourself out of being emotionally limited and stunted. The world we live in needs more real adults, now more than ever.
Visit Scott’s page on sex addiction therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you in learning emotional intelligence.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.