Do you sometimes find yourself or your partner getting too much in each other’s business? Do you tend to feel an intense longing or pain when your relationship partner is gone for any significant period of time? Do you find it easier to worry about your partner than yourself? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you may have a problem with codependency and would do well to continue to read on.
Codependency is a Big Problem These Days
While people have been other-focused for the entirety of humanity, only in the last 40 or so years have we become aware of how this can go to excess. Becoming so other-focused that you can’t focus on yourself, or you can’t stand to be without a relationship partner for any significant length of time is something that we’re only recently becoming aware of as being a problem. Sure, we all need other people in our lives to help us meet our needs, but when this becomes an all-consuming thing for people then it crosses the line into codependency.
How Healthy Love is Different from Codependency
Codependency is all about how another person can be your whole meaning and purpose in life, and can somehow make up for an experience of incompleteness in yourself. Healthy love understands that everyone has boundaries, and that you need to be able to feel good about yourself before you look to someone else to help you feel good about yourself in the adult world. In other words, there’s nobody that can help you feel good about yourself if you can’t do that for your own self. Too often we get into relationships that we want to somehow override our own lack of self-esteem so that we somehow feel better about ourselves because of the other person. This is something we can only do for ourselves, however.
How Codependency Sets You Up for Conflict in Relationships
One of the fundamental problems with codependency is that people who are that way tend to have trouble with personal boundaries. They wind up crossing them in relationships and ways that get the other party either feeling put out, or trapped, or otherwise tied up by the other partner‘s relationship demands. And these demands are typically seen as overbearing, such that the other partner will tend to get upset when the codependent partner is overtaxing their ability to meet their own needs. This fundamentally causes the relationship to be out of balance, and then some dysfunctional dance of the codependent partner begging the other or demanding that the other meet their needs. The other partner will tend to get upset, shut down, and wall themselves in reaction to this. This pattern keeps repeating itself the more of the codependent partner pursues, and the other partner will continue to wall off and isolate. They may give up and become fused with the codependent partner, which will lead to an eventual push-away from the other partner.
How to Break the Codependent Cycle in Relationship
First of all, the codependent partner needs to learn how to improve their sense of self-esteem, and to take care of some of their emotional needs themselves. This can involve finding ways to self-soothe when the other partner has to be away, as well as to see themselves as equals in their relationship instead of somehow less than or greater than at times. The other partner needs to learn how to set boundaries if they haven’t done it up to this point, and to take on the codependent partner and their overbearing need for love, approval, and becoming fused with their partner in some instances. There is room for some unavoidable loneliness in the relationship, but it is an essential part of growing up that we learn to endure this, as it is only for a limited timeframe.
What if Codependency is Corroding Your Relationship?
If you are the only one that is trying to improve the relationship and move away from codependency, there is only so much you can do by yourself. If you find that the other partner is not okay with the changes you’re trying to make, then it’s always a good idea to seek out couples therapy. An experienced and gifted couples therapist can help you and your partner break free from the unhealthy codependent cycle you both are stuck in. I've been helping my clients with their relationships for my entire social work career, and am trained in a couples therapy model that is very keen on addressing codependency and moving couples to a place of health in their relationships. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out a form below if you live in Maryland or Texas, and I can give you a free 20 minute interactive consult for you and your partner to find out if I would be a good fit for you. You deserve to have a happy and fulfilling relationship, as well as your partner, your children, and the rest of your friends and family who are in your sphere of influence.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you to overcome codependency in your relationship.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.