Do you find yourself sometimes saying “yes“ when you actually mean no? Do you feel like you somehow owe it to others to give in to their demands? Do you have trouble just standing up for yourself when others seem to be angry or disappointed in you? If you answered yes to one more of these questions, then you probably have a problem with people pleasing, so please read on.
People Pleasing is a Problem That Many Don’t Recognize
On the surface, it seems like people pleasing behavior is something that is praiseworthy or to be encouraged, but those people who do this as a habit that stems from trauma are doing themselves a disservice in many cases. The problem with people pleasing is that it becomes a reflexive habit, and it undercuts an individual’s ability to decide whether their actions are in their behalf, as well as for the good of others. When people can’t care for themselves in such instances, then it becomes counterproductive.
How People Pleasing Stems From Trauma
If you grow up in a family where you were somehow taught to be a caregiver for one or more other family members, then you can have people pleasing ingrained in your system. This may not have even actually been overtly told to you that you were expected to take care of others, but it may have somehow just been a way that you adapted to a situation where others were somehow expecting you to step up and fulfill a role that was actually beyond your years without you knowing it. This is how people pleasing can happen, and the trauma is that when it happens to a child or an adolescent, they are not allowed to finish emotionally and mentally developing before they are thrust into a parental role.
How People Pleasing Gets Male adaptive Later On
If you grew up with a people pleasing personality, then you will automatically bring this into your adult relationships. It can seem quite fine to have this in an employment setting, but things become more murky when they happen in personal relationships. The risk is that people develop one-sided relationships in which the other party's needs are given top importance while the people pleaser doesn’t have a way to get their needs met in the context of the relationship. This can bring up all kinds of negative feelings within the person who has the people pleasing going on, very possibly resentment at the other party that isn’t acknowledged, as well as possible feelings of self hate for not taking care of oneself, it just runs the gambit.
How Stopping People Pleasing Works
In order to stop people pleasing behavior, you have to realize that it’s become a problem for you. Once you do, then establishing some sort of supportive interaction between this “people pleaser part“ and the more mature part of you that is in control is absolutely important. At that point, you are more able to see that this “people pleaser“ is an ‘adult-like' part that really is more of a parentified child. Having a strong adult part that can parent this people pleaser is often a focus of personal therapy, as well as addressing the trauma that the people pleasing behavior stem from and hopefully resolving it. Sometimes couples therapy is very helpful for people to learn how to respond differently to their partners than to actively engage in people pleasing behavior. This allows them to become equals in the relationship instead of becoming somehow subservient to or rescuing their partners.
How to Tell if People Pleasing Has Become a Problem
Referring back to the questions at the top of the page, you can probably tell whether you have issues with people pleasing. If it is affecting your relationships, and/or is also affecting your mood, then you really need to seek professional help. I’ve been helping my clients to become aware of people pleasing, and how to work with it in order to help improve their life and their relationships. I utilize two forms of trauma therapy that can be helpful in addressing the trauma that relates to people pleasing behavior, as well as skills that help to develop a positive and supportive interaction with this part of your personality. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out an inquiry form below if you live in Maryland or Texas and I would be happy to talk with you so you can get an idea about whether I can help you with your problem. However you choose to seek help, do you understand that everyone you care about benefits by you growing out out of your people please role.
Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out how Scott can help you with people pleasing behavior.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.