Have you ever wondered about whether your partner puts importance on the same things that you do? Do you ever feel like you and your relationship partner are pulling in opposite directions in the relationship? Do you feel like your attraction to your partner is at odds with the reasons that you’re in the relationship in the first place? If you answered yes to one of these questions, then I urge you to read on, as this blog post is for you!
How Lack of Shared Values Can Impact Partnered Relationships
One of the things that troubles relationships. The most these days has to do with differences in values. One partner might value trust, the other partner might value somehow controlling the other partner inadvertently. When these kinds of conflicts with values arise, then the potential for strife in the relationship goes up exponentially.
Conflict Over Shared Values is Very Common Amongst Couples
It’s very typical for a couple to fight over conflicting sets of values in their relationships. Perhaps the most common has to do with the values of each partner's families of origin. Often these are sets of competing values that will tend to make partners get dug in in their relationships. One family’s values may have to do with cleanliness, and another family’s values may have to do with togetherness. When these come into conflict with each other, then arguments can ensue, and these can span over decades. This is so typical going back for ages with couples.
What Shared Values Are Important for Long-Term Relationships
Amongst the tremendous number of potential values that couples can have, perhaps the most important shared value has to do with the type of relationship that you each want to be in. If the two of you can agree on the type of relationship that you want, then everything builds on this. Aside from this, it just becomes a matter of clarifying what couples value, including what value they put on their sexual relationship. Often, couples may have the same values, but each may have a different strategy for addressing them. One of these can relate to political differences, which can be simply a result of a different strategy to attain the same value, such as safety, or economic well-being.
How to Identify Shared Values in Your Relationship
There’s no one way to go about doing this, but in the process of dating, it’s important to ask questions that help get at what kind of relationship each partner wants. You can also talk about what’s important to each other, including things such as family, trustworthiness, caring, compassionate interaction, and any other number of things. That does require each partner to be themselves with as much courage as they can muster at this stage to avoid trying to appease someone who’s not in line with your own values. This is a losing strategy for having a happy relationship, as if it wasn’t apparent by itself.
What If You Continue to Struggle in Your Relationship After Clarifying Shared Values
If the two of you obviously don’t agree on what type of relationship you each want, then that’s the grounds for breaking up. If you have some important values in common beyond that, then that is even better. At this point, sometimes the strategy to reach and achieve the values can be at odds with each other, as well as having different values that lead the conflict. Couples therapy can be helpful at this point in the coupleship. I’ve been helping my clients with relationship issues for my entire social work career. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I can get back to you to help give you a free interactive 20 minute consult to determine whether I can help you in your relationship situation. You, your partner, and your family all stand to gain from preserving and improving your relationship situation.
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with shared values.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.